Feeling Overwhelmed

I have spoken about my anxiety in previous blog posts so it should be no surprise when I say that I get overwhelmed quite easily sometimes. Obviously it is related to my anxiety. New situations make me anxious. Meeting new people or socializing with groups of people make me anxious. Changes make me anxious. And when I am anxious, I get overwhelmed. There is so much going on and then, on top of that, I have to deal with everything that my anxiety brings to the table. I get overwhelmed by too much happening at once or feeling like I am being rushed. There are ways to deal with it though and here are some things that I have learned for dealing with anxiety and being overwhelmed.

Stop for a moment and take a breath: You have probably already heard about how much breathing can help calm you down but it is definitely something that I myself forget to do in situations where I am overwhelmed and my anxiety is acting up. I used to get a lot of anxiety when getting needles (I still get some anxiety but having to get IV infusions every 8 weeks has gotten me more used to needles) and had to ask the nurses to remind me to breathe because my breathing would act up and I would start sweating or even shaking in some instances. When I get anxiety, my breathing often goes funny and I will sometimes hyperventilate. Taking a moment to just stop, leave everything to the side, and take a few deep breaths can really help clear your head and set you up to tackle whatever situation you are in. When you are feeling overwhelmed, it feels like things just keep piling up so pausing and taking a breath can stop that feeling of things piling up.

Let people know what you are going through: In certain situations when you are with people and you are becoming overwhelmed or you think that your anxiety is going to act up or it is acting up, telling the people you're with about it can really help. When I started volunteering with my local chapter of Crohn's and Colitis Canada, I told the president of the chapter about my anxiety. When I joined a local community band, I ended up letting the conductor know about my anxiety after the first few band rehearsals since my anxiety had gotten quite bad during them. In both cases, it really helped me, even if it did not necessarily help calm my anxiety. It just helped to know that they knew what I was going through instead of thinking that they must be judging me for acting strange or think that something else is wrong with me. When I told them, they were also very understanding so I knew that if my anxiety acted up again they would be understanding then too. 

Ask questions to clear things up or ensure that you are on the right track: I know that, for me, not knowing can cause a lot of anxiety and make me feel overwhelmed because I start worrying about what is to come, whether I am doing something right, etc. I therefore ask lots of questions and like knowing what to expect. It helps lessen the anxiety and makes me feel less overwhelmed because there is a plan laid out. Even if there are a lot of steps to the plan or it is only a very basic plan, I at least have something to work with and I can use it to figure things out one step at a time.

Take breaks to recharge: Taking a break and getting away from people or a situation for a little while can really help clear your head and help you recharge so that you will be ready when you return. As an anxious introvert, I need my alone time. Even if it is just a few moments alone in a washroom. People and certain situations can feel suffocating and I just need to go somewhere where I can finally breathe.

Take things one day at a time or even one moment at a time: Life can be so overwhelming and we just have to remember to take things one step at a time. Even if we feel like we need to get everything done now and feel like we are in a rush, we need to remember that that is not how things work. Everything takes time so we need to slow down and take the time needed. Sometimes we might feel like we just want to get something over with and can't wait for it to be done because it is causing us a lot of anxiety but we need to take things one moment at a time and we might actually end up enjoying whatever it was that was causing us so much anxiety in the first place. When it came to my library placements, I had a lot of anxiety. Before even starting the placements, I was already telling myself that it was only 15 days per placement and that I just had to get through it then it would all be over and I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. In the end, I actually ended up really enjoying my placements and learning a lot despite my anxiety and was actually sad for my first placement to be over and am sad that tomorrow is the last day of my second placement.

I hope maybe these things help you as much as they help me.

Cheers,
Kaylie

Kaylie: Name Confusion

This blog post is going to be a bit different than my usual blog posts. It is still going to have my thoughts and feelings about a certain topic and may end with me coming to some kind of realization or lesson but it is mostly just going to be me ranting about confusions that other people have when it comes to my first name. So, you might want to grab a cup of tea and find a cozy place to sit for this blog post because it is going to be a doozy!

First of all, let's actually start with my first name: Kaylie. Pronounced K-AY-L-EE. The meaning of the name is unclear according to the results from several websites. The name Kaylie is a modern American creation and does not traditionally come from another language but, if we break it down and find the meanings of the names in it, then we can give it meaning. Most people focus on the Kay part of the name. According to the internet, the name has Kay in it which comes from Katherine which is from the Greek word katharos meaning "pure." Some websites say that the name might also come from the Celtic word caol meaning "slender." These are the most common name meanings that people usually present for Kaylie. Going even further, the "lee" part of the name (spelled L-I-E for me) comes from the Old English word leah meaning "woodland, clearing." Sometimes you will see statements that Kaylie is a form of Kayla which comes from the Hebrew name Kelila meaning "crown of laurel."Another interesting fact to add would be that a Celtic party is called a ceilidh and is pronounced the same way as Kaylie.

My mom ended up choosing to name me Kaylie because her mother's first and middle names were Kathaleen Lillian (although everyone called her Lillian) and Kaylie has parts of both names in it. K-A from Kathaleen and L-I from Lillian. I love this! I love having a special little reason for my name and having a connection to one of my ancestors while also having my own name rather than the exact same name as them.

Now we get into the confusions with my name. People make mistakes with the spelling of my name if they don't know how mine is specifically spelled, or if they forget, or if they just aren't paying attention. I remember getting valentine cards in elementary school that, even though my fellow students had known me for a while, would still have wrong spellings of my name.

Here are just a few ways that my name can be spelled: Kaylie, Kaylee, Kailee, Kaley, Kayley, Kailey, Kayleigh. There are also so many other spellings. It can be spelled in all sorts of different ways as long as you have the "k," "ay," "l," and "ee" sounds in it. It can also start with a "c." So, imagine all of the possible spellings after the first letter and then think of all of them starting with a "k" or a "c." That's a lot of different spellings!

Since there are other names that are kind of similar, I end up getting called those names sometimes, especially Kylie since it is so close to my name. So many people have mistakenly called me Kylie that, when introducing myself, I now tell people that if they can't remember my name, they can just call me Kay. That is usually a lot easier for them to remember since it also sounds just like the first letter of my name. People have also told me that it will help them remember that I am Kaylie and not Kylie.

As annoying as it is for people to spell my name wrong or call me by the wrong name, it kind of makes my name special. My name is not as common as other names and it has so many different spellings. It is unique. Also, maybe I should be grateful for the fact that people at least remember me, even if they get my name wrong. And who am I to judge when I myself remember faces better than names?

Cheers,
Kaylie

Living in Northern Ontario

With the changing of the seasons, I have been spending more time outside which got me thinking about this wonderful part of the province that I live in. Living in Northern Ontario is not the easiest thing to do but it is definitely worth it if you love the outdoors and like getting away from the big city life. There are still cities here but they are not the same as cities like Toronto. There is a totally different feeling to them here. The Northern Ontario people are also different. It seems like we have a more relaxed but also rough and tough personality to us. I guess that's what happens when you live in areas surrounded by bush. Here is a list of a bunch of things that Northern Ontario is known for and make it what it is.

Winter: I have a love-hate relationship with Winter but it is definitely a huge part of living in Northern Ontario. Pretty much half of the year is Winter due to how long the snow is around. Outdoor Winter activities are popular but there are also people who like me who mostly stay inside during the Winter. I personally think that we should just have snow for Christmas and then it should all melt away but Mother Nature thinks otherwise.

Bears and Other Wildlife: Seeing wildlife is perfectly normal here in Northern Ontario due to all of the surrounding bush. Black bears are especially common and I'd be surprised if someone living here never saw a bear. I have seen a bear while walking down a trail along a creek (thankfully it was on the other side of the creek), while biking (thankfully it was far enough down the trail that I was able to get away from the area without it seeing me), on the front porch of my family's house (it was trying to get seeds from the bird feeder that we put out in November thinking that the bears were hibernating), and in my family's backyard (it would come in the middle of the day to eat grapes from our grapevines). Us Northern Ontarians therefore grow up learning about bear safety and what to do if we encounter a bear. Other wildlife that we have seen just around our house include birds, squirrels (including flying squirrels), chipmunks, raccoons (there were two living under our porch for a while and one Winter there was even a raccoon with no tail that would come to the bird feeders), foxes, snakes, frogs, toads, groundhogs, mice, and more.

Camps: In Southern Ontario, people tend to have what they call cottages, but in Northern Ontario, we have camps. What we call a camp is basically a wooden cabin. Some people have electricity and running water in their camp while others, like my family, do not. A lot of camps are also by a lake but some of us, like my family, have a camp that is simply in the bush. My family also has a wood stove in our camp so that we can use our camp all year long.

Saunas: There is a large Finnish population in Northern Ontario. Two cities in Northern Ontario with larger Finnish populations than others are Sudbury, where I live, and Thunder Bay. A quarter of my family is actually Finnish so I am a part of that Northern Ontario Finnish population. My mom has explained to me that many Finnish people settled here in Northern Ontario because the landscape is so similar to that of Finland. Since there is such a large Finnish population, it should be no surprise that saunas (Finnish steam baths) are very popular here, especially for people that have camps by the lake. It should also be no surprise that my family has our own sauna in our backyard.

The Bush: Here in Northern Ontario, and perhaps in other areas of Canada, we refer to the forest as "the bush." I feel like it is probably because our forests are often more wild than what you might think of when you imagine a forest. Also, when it comes to the outdoors here in Northern Ontario, we are fine with "roughing it" so I suppose "the bush" just adds to that roughness that we associate with the outdoors.

Campfires/Bonfires: Having a fire pit in your backyard is popular in Northern Ontario and yes, my family has one. Even though you may have to fight off a ton of mosquitoes, there is nothing better than inviting family and friends over for a fire to relax and listen to someone play guitar while you roast marshmallows under the stars.

If you don't live in Northern Ontario, I hope this helps you understand this part of Ontario a bit more and I hope it encourages you to visit this area sometime to experience it. If you're from Northern Ontario, then you probably just nodded your head in agreement throughout this list.

Cheers,
Kaylie

Religion and Mindfulness

This Spring, I have visited the Our Lady of Lourdes Grotto, known to Sudburians simply as "The Grotto," here in Sudbury on two occasions with my best friend. The first time was to show her the Grotto because she had never been there and the second time was to have a picnic there for her birthday (although it was raining on and off so we didn't stay very long). It is a very beautiful place here in our city. I always think of it as a hidden gem because it isn't something that I see "advertised" anywhere. You usually have to live here to know about it or find out through a friend or through a search online. I first learned about it through a short little blurb in a Sudbury history pamphlet and I have since found some more information about its history on its old centennial website. The area is not only home to the statue of Mary but includes several other religious monuments, some spiritual and decorative monuments, as well as grounds filled with paths, benches, and flowers. A flat labyrinth can be found where one is supposed to meditate as they follow the path to the center. There is also a fountain surrounded by pillars that have a roof. This part of the area is a common place for people to take graduation and wedding photos. Since I went during the Spring, the fountain's water wasn't running but it's beautiful when it is!

One thing that is made clear about the Grotto is that it is not only a place for religious people or people who follow specific religions. It is a place for anyone to go to relax, reflect, meditate, or pray. I'm not religious but I do consider myself to be spiritual so this is a lovely place to visit. When I visit, I just like to look around and take it all in. The view, flowers and plants, monuments, and layout of the area are all things that I enjoy. I appreciate that we have a place like this in Sudbury, even though it has a lot of monuments that I don't identify with. That's ok. It isn't entirely about just one religion. It's about spirituality and appreciating the beauty of life. It's also a good place to just sit and think.

I find that religion and spirituality are similar to mindfulness. You slow down and notice the world around you or pay attention to certain aspects of your life. Instead of just moving through life from one thing to the next, you take the time to look around you and appreciate all of the beauty. Gratitude is a big lesson in religions and I think that gratitude is a part of mindfulness too. Mindfulness involves living in the present moment and I find that when we live in the present moment, we realize just how much there is to be grateful for. The world is so busy and noisy these days and people seem to just be rushing through life. We need to learn to slow down, relax, and appreciate our lives.

Someone once told me that prayer is a form of meditation and it's true when you think about it. During both prayer and meditation, you are focusing on the present moment and focusing on a specific thought or several specific thoughts. They are also both times of relaxation. There are many different ways to meditate and you can actually see many different activities as a meditation or turn them into a meditation. Prayer is simply a more religious form of meditation. The Grotto here in Sudbury is a place where some people go to pray but if you aren't religious, it is also a nice place to meditate. When you see someone praying, think about how they are also doing a type of meditation. It really opens your mind to all of the possibilities when it comes to meditation.

These red and white tulips are the Canada 150 tulips for Canada's 150th anniversary of confederation which is this year of 2017. It was a nice surprise to see a lot of these tulips at the Grotto along with other flowers as well. The second time that I visited the Grotto with my best friend, there were beautiful lilacs and you could smell their amazing aroma while walking towards the statues. More flowers had been planted since the first time and there were a few more candles in tall glass vase-like holders at the base of the statue of Mary. I also spotted a faerie ornament beside the Grotto. It's so nice to see that this beautiful place is being taken care of for everyone to enjoy. It is a place that people know about but, at the same time, it isn't too busy. Even if there are other people there, they tend to be respectful and not be too rowdy. It's a great place to go to get away from the craziness of life for a little while.

Cheers,
Kaylie

Talking About Feelings

Something happened a few weeks ago. It was just a simple question that my Mom asked me but it felt so good for someone to actually ask me that question. It felt like something that I needed to be asked. While I was telling my Mom about my ulcerative colitis acting up, she asked me if I was worried about it. That's it. I then proceeded to answer the question and talk to her a bit about how I felt about my colitis acting up. This might not seem like such a big deal but I'll give you a bit of background information to explain why this was so important to me.

My latest Remicade infusion was on May 16th. My ulcerative colitis started acting up around three weeks before that date. I receive these infusions every two months and they keep my colitis pretty under control. Last time I received my infusion, my colitis only started acting up a few days before the infusion. So, the fact that my colitis started acting up three weeks before my next infusion was a bit concerning. During the month of April, I was really stressed out and I still am. One of my Great-Aunts passed away from cancer on April 10th. Less than a week before that, my Grandma (the sister of my Great-Aunt that passed away) was brought to our house to live with us for a while because her health has been going up and down. Just a few days after being with us, she had to go into the hospital (for the second time this year) for several weeks and now she is living with us again. She needs help with a lot of things and someone has to be with her at all times. All of this has been overwhelming for my family and I. Then add my colitis acting up on top of all of that. Of course, there were some great things that happened in April as well but I have still been stressed out.

My family and I can see that all of us are stressed out and overwhelmed by everything that has happened but we haven't really sat down and talked about it. Because of this, I know that I myself have been bottling up a lot of emotions and everyone else is probably doing the same which isn't healthy. We keep moving forward and deal with everything going on but I feel like we need to just let out everything that we're feeling. So, when my Mom asked if I was worried about my colitis acting up, it felt so good to finally be able to talk about one of the things that has been stressful for me. Especially since stress can make health problems worse and the recent stress may have therefore contributed to my colitis acting up. Also, it helped to just talk to my Mom about the fact that April was stressful and that the stress has continued into May.

Since my colitis got pretty bad in the Fall, it definitely stresses me out when it acts up and it worries me a bit even though I know that my doctors won't let it get as bad as it did before. I get a bit scared that the infusions aren't working or my colitis is going to start interfering more with my life. Worries aside, it just isn't pleasant when my colitis acts up. Having someone just ask about how I feel about my colitis acting up and to admit to them that I'm stressed out helps me let out some of the thoughts and emotions that I bottle up. Because that's a big problem that I have. I bottle up too much. So, talking about what I'm going through helps. A lot.

Although, sometimes I don't want to bother other people with my problems but I still need to talk to someone. Sometimes I'll start talking about something that's bothering me and nobody seems to want to even talk about it. It's like they try to avoid talking about it because it makes them uncomfortable or they don't want to take the time to listen or just don't want to pay attention to me talking for whatever time that it takes. And that itself bothers me. I'll start talking but they walk away. Or they just change the subject. Or they respond a bit but they don't want to really listen and really give some kind of answer. Just having someone listen to me get something off my chest helps a lot. It isn't very complicated.

I guess I'm just trying to say that we need to learn to talk about our feelings more and listen to other people when they need to talk about their own feelings. It doesn't make us weak. It shows that we are brave for wanting to talk about something that's bothering us. As for the people listening, they'll know that if something is bothering them, then they have someone that they can talk to about it too. It also helps to have someone really ask how we are feeling sometimes. And I mean ask how we are really feeling. Not just a simple small talk version of "how are you?" I know that. most times, I feel inclined to say that I'm fine when someone asks how I am. Everyone goes through tough times and so sometimes we just need people to care about how we are actually feeling and listen... and then we can be there to listen to them when they need us too.

Cheers,
Kaylie

One Month of Daily Gratitude

I love gratitude lists! They are quick ways of reminding yourself of the gratitude in your life. I've tried writing daily gratitude lists before but it never became a habit. I have been looking at other people's daily gratitude lists and it inspired me to try it again for at least a month. I made it a goal for the whole month of April. I even used an empty journal that I had so that I could write my lists in an actual gratitude diary. At the end of the day, I would jot down a few things that I was grateful for on that specific day or I would make myself write them down not long after they happened. Some things were written into more of a sentence and others were just point form. I wrote at least one thing each day. My gratitude ranges from simple things like hearing birds through an open window to big things like winning second place in a short essay contest.

Writing these daily lists made me realize that there is always something to be grateful for, even during tough times in our life. April wasn't easy for me. My Grandma's health was going up and down and my Great-Aunt Mary passed away. Even with all of this happening, there were still good things that happened and making these lists helped me to see that this month wasn't all bad. I think that's the great thing about making gratitude lists, they show you that there is always something good that you might miss if you don't pay attention to it. The stress of April has been continuing into May so I'm glad that I have decided to continue my gratitude diary. It helps a lot!

If you're curious about what my daily gratitude lists look like, here are my lists from April. Enjoy!

April 1:

• Walking my dog on a beautiful day with my brother
• My cat being happy to see me
• Friends staying for a little while to chat
• Recognizing and moving past unhelpful thoughts
• I found out that my cousin got engaged

April 2:

• Morning walk with my brother to get brunch
• Warm sunny weather
• Baking cookies while I drank tea and listened to music
• Chatting with a friend
• Feeling productive today because my brother and I got some things done around the house
• Talking to my best friend about something that has been bothering me lately
• Finding out that my Dad is going to buy Fan Expo tickets for my brother and I

April 3:

• Lots of walking
• Carpets of moss
• Squishy mud
• Writing a letter to my pen pal from Indonesia

April 4:

• Grandma is here at our house to stay while she recuperates from her health problems
• Working together with my brother to get the house ready for Grandma's stay
• Having supper ready for my parents and Grandma when they got home
• Baking muffins

April 5:

• A good shower
• Got my pen pal letter mailed out
• Grandma commented on how pretty a Chickadee was (Chickadees just happen to be my favourite bird)
• Chocolate covered vanilla ice cream bars
• Chocolate milk and a roasted garlic and cheese bagel toasted with herb and garlic cream cheese
• My cat crawled up on Grandma's bed

April 6:

• Recognizing when I needed time alone and giving myself that time

April 7:

• Two lovely ladies commented on how they liked my outfit
• First little bike ride of the year in the evening when the sun was going down

April 8:

• Baking cupcakes for my Dad's birthday (My Dad loved them)
• Biking to the cemetery
• Some plants are starting to come up in our yard

April 9:

• Earl Grey tea and lemon coffee cake for breakfast
• My cat snoozing on my bed
• Writing my Spring goals list
• Being encouraged to write by my city's current poet laureate

April 10:

• My Great-Aunt Mary had a wonderful life

April 11:

• Not forcing myself to focus when I can't focus
• Playing with my cat

April 12:

• Hearing birds through an open window
• Made a wire gem tree as a late birthday present for my Dad

April 13:

• I bought a book that I've been wanting to buy
• I found out that I won second place in a short essay contest
• I saw the first robin that I've seen this Spring
• Eating ice cream with Grandma
• Seeing all of the solar lights lit up in the cemetery this evening

April 14:

• Biking with my Mom
• Feeling like I'm finally starting to figure out my life a bit

April 15:

• The first episode of the new season of Doctor Who

April 16:

• Baking
• A great Easter supper
• Spending time with my family

April 17:

• Cadbury creme egg
• A really nice cashier

April 18:

• I completed my main goal for today of finding something that I needed to find (it was easier to find than I thought
• Getting questions answered (and receiving the answers that I was hoping for)
• My cat groomed my rabbit
• I figured out how to scan documents to save on the computer
• A very productive day

April 19:

• Homemade pizza
• A nice email

April 20:

• I finished my application for the Library and Information Technician program through Confederation College's distance education

April 21:

• Wearing an outfit that makes me happy
• Waking up earlier and getting ready earlier in the morning
• Homemade chocolate peanut butter cups

April 22:

• Drinking tea on the front porch with my cat on my lap
• My Mom finally found the library book that she borrowed using my library card (the day before it was due)

April 23:

• Funny TV show
• Perogies in tomato soup

April 24:

• My first donation for this year's Gutsy Walk and it was the amount that I set as my goal!

April 25:

• I'm going to be starting the Library and Information Technician program through Confederation College's distance education in September

April 26:

• My family
• My pets
• Spring peepers
• Earl Grey tea

April 27:

• Wind chimes and birds
• Trying  a new cookie recipe

April 28:

• Spending time with my best friend
• Bubble tea
• Exploring
• Lots of walking
• The power coming back on after going out yesterday
• My favourite teacher from elementary school saying "Hi!" to my friend and I while we were walking past her car that was stopped on the road

April 29:

• A good shower in the morning
• Getting my Grandma out of her hospital room for a little while
• Vegetarian tacos

April 30:

• Buying books and art pencils on sale and getting even better sales on them than I originally thought
• Going up to the camp for the night

Cheers,
Kaylie

Birds Like Friends Too

After writing a post about the friendship that my dog and rabbit share, I thought about the friendship between my family's two birds: a budgie name Nasa and a cockatiel named Sundo. Nasa is around 8 years old and Sundo is around 14 years old but we only got Sundo recently. Nasa used to be all alone and she was kind of crazy. She was scared of hands and she also freaked out if she got out of the cage so you can imagine how hard it would be to take her out. If she was out of her cage, she would fly all over the place and crash into walls. We were afraid that she would kill herself but it was so sad that she was stuck in her cage all the time. She didn't play a whole lot with toys and just sat there every day. There wasn't any excitement in her life, except for when we would go up to the cage or put our hand in the cage to change her food and she would shy away from us.

When one of my Aunts was visiting, she brought along all of her dogs and Sundo since she didn't really have someone back home that could look after them during that time. During my Aunt's stay, my Mom suggested leaving Sundo here so that there'd not only be less for my Aunt to take back home, but both Nasa and Sundo would have a friend in each other. It would be nice since both of them are older and are both alone. Plus, Sundo always had other birds, specifically budgies, with her in the past but she was the only bird that my Aunt currently had left. We experimented having them together without putting them in the same cage. We simply sat both cages beside each other to see how the birds would react. They really seemed to like each other, going as close as possible to each other as two separate cages would allow, so we put both of them in a nice big bird cage that we had stored away in a shed. We transferred all of their toys, perches, mineral blocks, food and water dishes, and individual foods into the new cage and waited to see how it would go.

It turned out that this was the best thing that we could have ever done for Nasa! She became a completely new bird. It was amazing how much she changed. Nasa and Sundo became good friends. They would groom themselves at the same time, sleep at the same time, and they were willing to go close to each other. Nasa tried new things that she never would have done before. She played more with toys, chewed on mineral blocks, and tried new foods. I guess she observed Sundo doing all of these things and decided to copy her. Sundo was already tame and used to doing all sorts of things so it really encouraged Nasa to be the same way.

Nasa even started taming down. She wasn't as afraid of hands anymore. Eventually, we could take her out of the cage. Sundo was already really good for taking out of the cage so it was nice to be able to take Nasa out as well. She still flies around a bit but she isn't as spooked as she would have been before and she's better at staying in one place now. She likes to fly over to our rabbit's cage and sit on top. I guess she just likes the feeling of the bars of the cage because it reminds her of her own cage. She is improving so much at taming down that I even saw her jump and sit on top of Sundo's back once while they were both out. It was so funny!

When it comes to birds that we have in the future, I definitely think that my family should have two birds and not just one all by itself. It really makes a difference in the life of a bird. Nasa went from being crazy to being much more tame in almost half a year! So, not only does having two birds give each one a friend, but they learn from each other as well. Nasa is pretty old and we don't know how much longer she will live so I am glad that she has a friend for the last part of her life and I'm glad that Sundo has a friend like she used to always have.

Cheers,
Kaylie

Accepting My Anxiety And Doing Something About It

For a long time, I didn't understand exactly what anxiety was. By this I mean that I didn't know the exact definition of anxiety. I was never taught it and I never really researched it. I kind of knew what anxiety was, but I still felt like I didn't understand it enough to be able to use the word properly. I kind of knew that everyone experiences anxiety to a certain extent but I thought that it had to be really severe to actually be able to say that you have anxiety. When I thought of social anxiety, I thought that it meant that the person had trouble speaking to strangers or had trouble going out in public. Just like with anxiety in general, I thought that it had to be that severe to be considered social anxiety. I get stage fright (in some situations it has been worse than others) and I also have trouble participating and speaking up in groups (usually groups that are maybe five people or more). However, I can speak to a stranger one-on-one and be perfectly fine. I actually wrote a blog post about this in the past. I thought that all of this was just due to me being an introvert and also that it was just something that people go through. I never thought of it as partly being social anxiety. I always explained it as me just being an introvert, having a phobia, or being nervous or scared. Like I mentioned before, I thought that social anxiety was more extreme than what I experience. I also didn't entirely understand what anxiety was, not to mention the extent of it and how there are all sorts of types of anxiety. After learning a bit about both introversion and social anxiety, I think it's a mix of both. I don't think that my introversion is the only culprit when it's difficult for me to participate in a group, especially when I feel a bit panicked inside when having to answer a question on the spot. It's just that my social anxiety happens in specific situations rather than in all social situations so I guess it's considered mild or moderate? I'm not really sure where I sit there.

So what exactly do I experience? Well, I can explain more about what I experience while in groups rather than while performing because I haven't had to perform anything for a few years now but lately I find myself in groups and other social situations that affect me. I experience things going on in my mind and my body. I start worrying about the situation before I even get to it. On the way there and while waiting for it to begin, I start feeling as though I'll start shaking any moment. Once it begins, if it's something that I know requires some participation or may require some participation, I feel kind of panicky inside. I get a strange feeling in my heart and intestines (because the stomach isn't actually in our belly button area) and I don't breathe as normally as I should. My heart often beats faster when I know that it is now my turn to participate (for example, if people are participating in a certain order). When I have to participate, it can often be hard to look at people and I feel like my voice sounds shaky but I can't always tell if it really is or not. I also sometimes feel like I'm about to have trouble really concentrating on what's going on because I'm noticing so much about what's going on inside me and my mind is filled with worries. After it's all over and I'm on my way home or I'm back at home, I continue to think about the social interaction. I think about what I said or didn't say or even how I acted or didn't act. If my mind is left without anything to really focus on, I'll sort of worry, in a way, about what already happened. It's like it's on replay in my mind and it won't leave me alone. What I experience during the situation can sometimes differ but I usually always worry before and after. I often find myself suddenly humming when this happens, as if the humming will drown out the thoughts. When I have had to perform in the past (piano recitals or a poetry recitation) I would get shaky. In the case of a poetry recitation in class, I couldn't get past the first few lines even though I had been excited to recite the poem and I felt completely ready. It was as though I just forgot the rest of the poem but I was able to recite it later in front of just my professor in her office.

I'm now getting some guidance for this social anxiety of mine, which I'm really happy about but also nervous about because it involves exposure to the things that cause me anxiety. The first "assignment" that I had to do was do something, not too big, that might cause me some anxiety. Since my anxiety, as I mentioned before, is with groups and performing, I had trouble figuring out what to do for this first bit of exposure. I didn't want to do something too crazy but I still wanted to do something that was enough to cause me anxiety (because you need to expose yourself to the things that scare you in order to ever overcome them). Going out in public or saying hello to a stranger wasn't good enough because I'm fine doing those things. I needed to do something that was linked with groups or performing. I finally decided to go to a poetry revision workshop at my city's main library that was being taught by my city's current poet laureate. She was going to talk to a group of no more than ten people about poetry revision and then spend time with each person one-on-one to go through a poem that they brought and suggest ways that they could revise it. I had been going back and forth in my mind on whether I would go since it made me nervous to be in a group and then to have a poet laureate, who has several published books of poetry, read my poem and suggest ways for revising it. I wanted to go but it was my anxiety that was making me want to avoid it. When I remembered that I was unsure about going because it scared me, I knew that it would be good to go to it for some exposure since it also wasn't going to be a huge group and we didn't have to share our poems with anyone but the poet laureate. Also, I like writing and poetry so it was something that interested me.

Going to this workshop, I experienced all of the symptoms that I described before. I kept worrying about it before I went. I worried that the poet laureate wouldn't like my poem or that she'd think it was weird. I was scared that there would be a lot wrong with it when it came to revising it. When I went to the workshop, I was the youngest one there so that made me nervous right away. Some of the other people included the past poet laureate and some people from the writer's guild. There were only two other people like me who just wrote poetry for fun. This made me nervous as well because most of the people there were more experienced than me. We sat on chairs in a circle, which also makes me nervous because everyone can see you and sitting in circles usually means that there is going to be participation involved. The only time that I had to participate was when we each introduced ourselves so that wasn't so bad. After that, I simply listened to everyone else participate. While listening to the tips for poetry revision, I really started wondering if my poem was alright. I felt as though my poem was starting to look bad while learning about what you should and should not do when it came to not only poetry revision, but writing poetry in the first place. I had to keep reminding myself that my poem was still in the draft stage and that it was alright if it wasn't perfect. I became extremely nervous when it was time for the one-on-one revision sessions and I had to go first. Thankfully we moved two chairs to the other side of the room, away from the group, for this little chat. The poet laureate ended up being really nice and she liked my poem. It was kind of a big deal for me to have this poet laureate like my poem, especially after worrying that it wasn't good. Of course, she wrote quite a bit on my poem for revision purposes (we had to email our poems before the workshop so she would have time to look at them and write down suggestions ahead of time) but it all made sense to me and I learned a lot. I wasn't as nervous as before while we chatted and she explained changes or additions that I could make. It didn't bother me.

Part of my anxiety is that I have a fear of not being good enough. I actually ended up realizing this even before I found out that social anxiety is about the fear of judgement. I have a fear of being judged even though I can be judged no problem when I am actually in the moment of being judged (example: someone reading my writing right in front of me and giving criticism). I just get really anxious before hand. I'm afraid they won't like whatever I created and that it isn't any good. Comparing myself to others is one reason why I think that whatever I create isn't good enough. There are so many talented people out there doing amazing work that I feel like mine is nothing compared to theirs. I have also realized that when it comes to social interactions and the amount of anxiety that they cause me, I am different in various situations. If I am having a conversation with someone one-on-one or with two or three people away from a group, I'm not nervous and can talk the person's ear off. Although, I have been shaky and nervous during piano performance exams that I had to do in the past even though there was only one person there marking me but that was just because it was an exam and exams have always made me nervous no matter how prepared I have been for them. If I am having a conversation with someone one-on-one or with two or three people with a group around but where the other people are having their own conversations but could possibly hear my conversation, then I'm not as talkative and I feel some minor symptoms. In groups of five people or more where everyone is listening, I have a lot of trouble participating and will try to avoid it. Sometimes, while in a group of people, I can force myself to answer a question that I have prepared for and I'm okay, not perfectly fine but I'm still okay. However, if I have to answer a question on the spot, I have trouble answering and I tend to get upset. I have found myself almost crying after having to answer just a simple question on the spot. I think it's because I feel like I am under pressure in that situation.

If you've made it to the bottom of this post then I'd like to say thanks for letting me empty out my thoughts here. I was really unsure about putting this post up on my blog but getting everything out through writing really helps. I plan on continuing to expose myself to participating in groups and hopefully one day it will come more naturally instead of forcefully. I'm also hoping that I can learn to deal with my phobia of bees, hornets, and wasps and that I can deal better with getting needles since I have to get an IV infusion every two months. I have found out that these two things are also anxiety and sometimes I wonder if the two are connected (since bees, hornets, and wasps have stingers and needles are sharp). So what do I want to do? I want to be able to speak in groups without getting nervous or worried before, during, and after. I want to be able to stay where I am or walk through areas without screaming and running away from bees, hornets, or wasps (unless I'm near their nest or something). I want to be able to relax while the nurse pokes me with the needle to set up the IV for my Remicade infusion. These are the improvements that I want to make in my life and I'm determined to finally get through them or at least be able to handle them better.

Cheers,
Kaylie

Ramblings About Taking Breaks, Pursuing Your Passions, And Being Unique

I didn't publish any blog posts last week, even though I have been trying, and succeeding, to publish three posts every week. I was working on a post for Monday but it wasn't quite finished so I planned to finish it and publish it some time on Monday rather than rushing to finish it and schedule it to be published Monday morning. That didn't happen. A certain event happened and created a rough start to the week. I didn't worry about my blog. I decided to take a break and not post anything that week. Some other things happened in the same week and it was, overall, not the greatest week that I've had. I was glad that I took a break from my blog. It gave me some time to think about things. It gave me some time to write other blog posts. It gave me some time to just get things together and plan ahead a bit. I love blogging and I felt bad about missing a week of blogging and temporarily breaking my habit of blogging three times a week, but sometimes you just need to take a break.

We need to listen to our mind and body. I could have pushed myself to finish up some blog posts for the week but I did not feel up to it. I felt that I would become exhausted. I also felt that I might publish a blog post without the feeling of it being complete and just right. I decided, however, that I would only stop blogging for one week. In the past, I would stop blogging and think that I would just start the next week but it always kept becoming the next week and the next until I hadn't blogged for several months. I didn't want that to happen again. I love blogging because it gets me writing and as I continue blogging, my writing improves. I try to write longer blog posts. I try to let the words pour out. As I continue blogging, I get better and better at expanding on my ideas. I think that I need this right now. At a time when I'm still figuring things out, I need something to keep me moving forward.

Taking a break is a good idea when pushing yourself is a bad thing but continuing whatever it is that you're doing is a great thing too, as long as it is something that you love and want to pursue. You want to do things that are good for you as a person. You need to "follow your heart," so to speak. Don't push yourself to do something just because it's popular or because it's just "what you do" in life. Be your own person. Being different from other people makes life more interesting. Being different can make you stand out, and isn't that what we should be doing? I've seen so many blogs, websites, Youtube channels, social media accounts, etc. that are all so similar to each other that they don't stand out as much from each other. Be unique. Sure, you sometimes have to do the same thing as someone else in order to learn how to do it, but once you have the hang of it, be creative and let yourself shine.

Technology is a platform for us to be creative. We should use it in interesting ways that are different from how other people use it. We need to continue changing and shaping the way we use technology. We shouldn't just copy other people all of the time. We need to move forward. We need to advance. We need to create something that really stands out and makes people think differently about being creative. We need to be inspired by what has been created before and then create our own unique creations that inspire other people.

I thought that I was just going to make this post about the benefits of taking breaks but it has really moved further than that, and that's perfectly fine. It became something more than I expected. It became something better. And that actually connects with what I said about following your heart. I could have forced myself to stick to just the one topic, but I decided to let myself ramble on and let my heart speak about what I've been thinking about lately. Now I love this post more than before.

Cheers,
Kaylie

The Friendship of a Dog and a Rabbit

Since today is the 2nd anniversary of the day that my brother and I rescued our rabbit, Geronimo, I thought that I'd share the story of how Geronimo and our golden retriever, Finnlegh, became best friends. You'll also learn a bit about how Finnlegh came to live with us as well as a quick description of Geronimo's rescue story, although you can read more about his rescue story in the post that I wrote last year on the first anniversary of the day that we rescued him. Enjoy!

We bought our golden retriever, Finnlegh, from a breeder in 2012. We had lost our beloved golden retriever, Angel, at the age of fourteen when we had to make the tough but caring decision to put her down. We didn't think that we wanted another dog right away but she had left a space in our hearts to give to another dog. We searched for a good breeder and brought Finnlegh home. He grew into the perfect dog for our family; hyper and active at certain times and sweet and quiet at other times. Sometimes he'd race around the yard but then in the house he would curl up and nap or give us tons of sloppy kisses. During the Winter of 2015, there was a new addition to our family. We rescued a rabbit. He was born from domestic rabbits that had been breeding outside in my Grandma's neighbourhood. He was approximately two months old and was hopping around in the snow in -18 degrees Celsius weather so we brought him in out of the cold only to find that his eyes were stuck shut. We got him some help and found out that he had been dehydrated but he was going to be okay. We made the decision to keep him instead of him going to someone else and we named him Geronimo.

Of course, we had a challenge to face. Finnlegh was a golden retriever: a dog bred to retrieve animals for their masters while hunting. Naturally, he chased small animals and birds but could never catch them. This situation was going to be different. If Geronimo was running around and playing in the living room, Finnlegh might bite him or scare him too much for his little heart to handle. We had to teach him to be gentle with our new rabbit since we wanted them to get along and not have to be separated. We would let Geronimo hop around and play on the couch and if Finnlegh went to nip him or play with him in a rough way, we would stop him and tell him to give kisses. He eventually caught on and would give Geronimo such a sloppy kiss that our little rabbit's fur would be all wet. As Geronimo learned to hop off of the couch and play on the floor, we helped Finnlegh adjust to that too. All of the encouragement paid off.

With continued commands from us, Finnlegh learned to be gentle with Geronimo. Finnlegh would go and sniff our rabbit or give him a kiss. Sometimes Finnlegh would be lying on the floor and let Geronimo hop right on top of him. When our rabbit became playful, Finnlegh would become playful too. He would chase Geornimo a bit and sometimes they would play a mix between a game of hide-and-go-seek and tag around the old trunk that we use as a coffee table. Finnlegh and Geronimo have become best friends, which would fascinate people who see a relationship between a dog and a rabbit as being extremely difficult. It also teaches us a lesson: If a dog and a rabbit can become best friends, maybe it's possible that we humans can get along better with each other and we can make the world a more peaceful place.

Cheers,
Kaylie

Letters to my Future Self (Positivity Exercise)

I find writing to my future self to be an interesting exercise. Most times you are writing about your present life to your future self and then when you actually are your future self, you will be reading about your past. So basically it includes past, present, and future all in one activity. Pretty neat, huh?

There are various ideas for what to write to your future self but the basics of this exercise are as follows:

1. Find some paper and an envelope.
2. Write a letter to your future self.
3. Seal the letter in the envelope and write the date on which you would like to open the letter.

You don't have to only write one letter either. You can write several letters about different things or you can write a letter at certain ages or certain stages in your life. Some people write about what is happening in their life right now along with their goals and dreams and choose to open those letters on certain milestone birthdays or at the time of other milestones in their life. Some people write letters to their future spouse or future children or future grandchildren. Some people write a letter to their best friend to be opened on a future date or for a milestone birthday. There are so many possibilities for this exercise!

Here are some ideas of what you can write about in your letter (a whole list, actually) or maybe you'd like to write a separate letter for each topic:

• What is happening right now in your life

• What is happening right now in the world and what you think of all of it

• Accomplishments so far

• Goals and dreams

• Favourite memory/memories

• Pep talk

• What you think your future will look like/hope your future will look like

• Challenges that you have overcome so far

• Your current favourite things (music, movies, books, places, activities, experiences, etc.)

• The most important people in your life and why they are important

• What you love about yourself right now 

•  Current hobbies

• What you would like to change about your present self (what kind of person do you hope to be in the future?)

• Things that you never want to forget (memories, experiences, people, pets, accomplishments, challenges, etc.)

• Who, what, where, when, why, how (who: the kind of person you are right now, what: what you do right now, where: where you live right now, when: the date right now, why: why you do what you do and think what you do right now, how: how do you live right now [beliefs, morals, values]) 

More Ideas:

• Include some photos 

•  Add some drawings  

• Write a poem to your future self  

• Add some extra little (flat) things in the envelope like a movie ticket from a movie that you saw recently, the program or brochure from an event that you went to recently, a note from a friend, etc. 

•  Get your friend to write a letter to your future self and add it to the envelope without looking at it

•  Make a collage of your favourite things and attach it to your letter or add it inside the envelope

• Decorate your letter and envelope in whatever way you like

• Turn a small box into a mini time capsule and add your letter(s) to it along with other little things from your current life

I know that it's important to stay in the present moment but this exercise gives you an excuse to think about the past and future and celebrate them! We need to appreciate the past and feel grateful for it. The things that happened in the past happened for a reason and we need to learn from them. The future has yet to come and so we need to plan for it. We can dream about it too. Sure, some things will just happen and we need to be flexible but some things need a bit of planning.

I have already written a letter using some of these ideas to be opened on my 30th birthday and I know that I will definitely be writing more and coming back to this post for further ideas! If you choose to try this exercise, I hope you have fun!

Cheers,

Kaylie

Sweet Surrender

A huge challenge that I struggle with is figuring out what I want to do with my life. I've talked about it in the past and then again more recently. There are so many things that I enjoy doing but, at the same time, I can't figure out what I am truly passionate about. I get mad at myself sometimes because I wish that I would just pick something already! When we're kids, we're told that we can do anything that we want when it comes to what we want to do when we grow up. We are encouraged to follow our dreams. When we're teenagers, it seems like we're expected to know what we want to do with our lives and we're still encouraged to follow our dreams but we also need to think about the real world and if what we want to do is actually a good idea. Not all adults are that way towards us, though. Some adults still encourage us to follow our dreams no matter what and they don't judge us.

That's another thing that I deal with. I always feel like people are judging me when I tell them about what I am currently doing or what I want to do. I feel like, to them, it isn't enough. I feel like they're judging me for not having it all figured out and for not being at the same stage that other people are at right now. I hate it when people ask me what I'm doing now that I've graduated from university or what I'm going to do. It is the question that I always dread. I know it's such an innocent question and it's a great conversation starter but I'm at the point where I don't want to answer that question. I know that people aren't actually judging me, or at least not everyone is judging me (yes, some people may still be judging me because that's just the way that some people are), but it still feels like they are. I hate not living up to the expectations that people have for people my age. I'm in my early twenties. I'm an adult. I should have this stuff figured out.

But I'm a creative person and I'm a dreamer. It seems like a lot of people around me are just going to work and living pretty similar lives to each other but I'm different. I want my life to be an adventure. I want it to be full of magic. I want to truly love my life and be passionate about what I do. I don't want to pick something just because it's considered to be a "real" job or because it's a "safe" job. I want to pick something that I look forward to doing every day. I want to love my life. I don't want to be one of those people who can't wait until they retire. I want to be one of those people who love what they do so much that they never really retire.

It isn't easy to choose to follow this path though because it isn't always easy to plan it out. It's much easier to make a plan for following the "usual" career or life path; the path that people expect from you. I already know that many parts of my life are going to be different from what society expects, without even thinking about my career, but it's the career part that's harder to accept. I am perfectly fine with the other parts of my life being different but it's hard to be okay with choosing to go down a more interesting career path when it's engraved in our brain that we need to do things a certain way when it comes to getting a suitable job. I need to be more flexible. I need to stop putting the pressure on myself that I think I feel from other people. I need to just relax and let myself explore. Yes, of course I'm going to do planning. I'm a planner. I can't just "wing it." That's not who I am. But I need to accept that the planning is going to be a bit different for my life.

I was choosing songs for my Spring playlist when I decided to look at John Denver's music and see if there was a song there that would fit into my playlist since I love his music. His lyrics are true poetry and I not only found a song to add to my playlist, but the lyrics to this particular song are words that I really need in this time of struggling with the fact that I don't know what to do with my life. His song, "Sweet Surrender", puts all of my thoughts into words. The words that I really connect to are "Lost and alone on some forgotten highway, traveled by many, remembered by few./ Looking for something that I can believe in,/ Looking for something that I'd like to do with my life." I have felt so lost because I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know what to concentrate on or what direction to go in. I'm still figuring out who I am as a person but I definitely know that I am different from other people and I don't care about following the same paths that they take. I am quite comfortable following my own path but I haven't exactly figured out what that path is yet. The words that I am learning from are "Tomorrow is open and right now it seems to be more than enough/ To just be here today" since they are words that I really need to remember. I need to accept the fact that I don't have to have everything figured out, even if it feels like I do. There are plenty of people of all ages who will say that they still don't have their whole life figured out. And it's okay. Life is a crazy thing. Nobody can say that they have it figured out. Nobody can say that they know the right way to live it. And certainly, nobody can tell you how to live your own life.

Cheers,
Kaylie

Vision Boards (Positivity Exercise)

During the Fall, I made some vision boards after getting out of the hospital. I did this because I felt a bit lost when it came to what I wanted to do with my life. I'm a visual person and I had made a vision board before so I decided to make one to help me visualize and figure out my plans for the future. My first vision board ever was made at a vision board workshop at a local library and it was made on a large bristol board but I felt that it was too big. The whole point of a vision board is to glue words and pictures of things that you want in your life into a sort of collage and then place it somewhere where you will see it all the time so that the words and images will make their way into your mind. Hopefully they create a constant unnoticeable reminder in your head of what you want to manifest and eventually it will happen because you make it happen. My large vision board seemed too overwhelming. There were way too many pictures and words for my mind to take in.

This Fall, after playing around a bit with some words and pictures from magazines on a normal size piece of paper (around 8"x11"), I realized that a smaller vision board was much better. There were fewer words and pictures so it was easier for my mind to focus on them and remember them and it was also easier to narrow down exactly what I wanted from each vision board while being more artistic with the arrangements of the cut-outs at the same time. Also, I could play around with the words more and arrange them in a way so that they all flowed with each other when read in order. I made a total of three vision boards and I put them in plain frames without borders that you would normally use to display certificates. I'll talk about each vision board in more detail in this post.

My "What do I want to do with my life?" vision board:

This was the first vision board that I made out of the total of three vision boards. I wanted to create a vision board that would get me thinking in a more positive way about figuring out what I want to do in my life rather than stressing out about it all the time. I chose empowering images like that of a girl with a smile on her face and her arms in the air in a sign of success as well as that of Wonder Woman. Another image, which happens to be the biggest picture on the board, is that of a woman with her hands on a traditional image of a heart that is on her chest. I chose this image because the things that I really want to do in my life are things that I'm passionate about and I felt that this image was a good symbol for our passions. The words have to do with there being possibilities out there and how I can do what I really want and love to do. Just for fun, I covered the entire vision board in glitter glue (which is a bit difficult to see in the photo) to remind myself to have fun while exploring my interests.

My "Stress Less" vision board:

I created this vision board to focus more on keeping my mind relaxed and less stressed. The images are of activities that I love that are also relaxing and help with relaxation like meditation, yoga, and hiking outdoors. The words are reassuring and encouraging.

My "Creativity" vision board:

This vision board is all about art and creativity. I am a very creative person but I feel like I'm not focusing on the arts and creativity that I love as much as I'd like so I pasted a bunch of images of arts that I love like crafts, drawing and painting, writing, music, and photography. I also added words that are connected to creativity and at the bottom I put a little inspirational sentence about being original when it comes to art.


Those are the vision boards that I made and I'm really happy with them! I feel like I really improved since the first time I made one and really focused on exactly what I wanted to get out of these vision boards.

Cheers,
Kaylie

Finding Inner Peace Before Outer Peace

During the time that I've spent facing my personal challenges and figuring out how to deal with them, I came to a realization about peace. It came to me as a question: How can I want the world to be at peace if I'm not even at peace with myself? Seeing all of the bad things that have been happening in the world within  the past few years (and even longer than that), I have wondered what it's going to take for the world to be peaceful. Of course, you can hope for peace or you can create it, one little step at a time. However, you need to find inner peace first. How can you speak of peace if you haven't even found peace within you? If you haven't learned to control your own challenges? If you are going through tough times? Maybe spreading peace in the world will help you with your inner peace but shouldn't you focus on your inner peace before outer peace? Shouldn't you find peace within yourself? Shouldn't you learn to be at peace with yourself? Shouldn't you create peace within yourself?

Sure, you can smile and pretend that everything is okay while you try to spread peace and help other people but all that you'll be doing is wearing a mask if you don't address what you're going through and do something about it. Wouldn't you like to be at peace before you start spreading peace? It's just like that idea of self-love: How can you love other people if you don't even love yourself? By finding inner peace, we learn how to be peaceful and I think that's the first step to making the world peaceful. Be a peaceful person. Show peace. Feel peace. Be peace. Then you can create peace outside of yourself.

Now, I admit that I still have some work to do on myself. I want peace in the world but I am still in the process of finding peace within myself. Writing this post, I felt like maybe I am not qualified to write it since I am still in the process of doing exactly what I say should be done. But then again, I need to write this to get these ideas out and start acting on them. I need to address the fact that I am still working on finding inner peace so that I can begin to find inner peace. And then I can work on taking steps to do my part in making the world a more peaceful place.

My problem is that I bottle up a lot. I bottle up emotions, thoughts, worries, and fear. I bottle them up until I finally just break down. My mind is not always at peace. It's a crazy storm that just keeps going, as well as growing bigger. It makes it hard to concentrate. It makes it hard to relax. If I address what I'm feeling and learn how to deal with it in a healthy way, then I'll be able to focus on other things. I could try to focus on other things but it would only be temporary. My restless mind will just be there waiting for me to get back after the distraction.

People find peace in various ways. Meditation, yoga, belief systems, art, and music are just some of the ways that people relax and deal with whatever life throws at them. Our mind can be both our best friend and our greatest enemy. It can pick us up or it can throw us down. We need to learn how to control it. We need to use it to our advantage. We need to use it to make ourselves better people and make the world a better place. We need to remember to keep working on it and then, someday, we will feel enough inner peace to be able to spread our peace further out into the world.

Wishing you peace,
Kay

Hopping On The Colouring Book Bandwagon

Like so many people, I have bought a few adult colouring books. Yes, I have been swept up into the adult colouring book fad. Colouring is a way of relaxing and de-stressing. In my mind, it's a form of meditation since you are focusing and concentrating on something and relaxing. However, it wasn't so easy for me to start. I know what you might be thinking: "But it's just colouring! Kids do it! It's so simple! Just colour the picture! That's all there is to it!" You're right. But for me, I wanted to use it to relax, de-stress, and meditate and that's what made it difficult for me.

I used to be a major perfectionist. I'm not as bad now but that perfectionist tendency is still there within me. When I'm colouring something or making any kind of art or craft, the perfectionist in me peeks out through my eyes and makes it a bit hard for me to do my work without worrying about the way that it looks. I actually kind of like it, though, because it often helps me make my arts and crafts look better. When I'm colouring, however, I want to relax and not necessarily worry so much about the way that it looks so I'd rather push the perfectionist aside and tell them to just shut up. I decided to start doing that and to just treat colouring as an experiment with colour and different colouring techniques. It isn't a place for me to be perfect, it's a place for me to just try things out that maybe I can use when I make my own drawings. I can worry about making my own drawings or paintings perfect but colouring will be a place to just have fun and practice.

Another thing that makes colouring a bit difficult for me is the fact that I sometimes (or maybe more often than sometimes) have trouble concentrating on things for long amounts of time. So trying to colour a picture became very stressful for me because I would get to a point where I wanted to move on to something else. I have since learned to simply try to relax while colouring and then move on to something else if I want to or if I start getting too stressed out.

A more minor reason for why I have trouble relaxing while colouring is the fact that I press hard when I write or colour with a pencil. I need to learn to just loosen up and relax my hand. This isn't as big a problem as my previous two but it still prevents me from relaxing while colouring so it's something that I just have to work on.

Colouring can be a really great tool for relaxing and, for me, it has been a lesson in life. It has taught me to face my challenges and try to solve them. It has taught me to approach things differently according to the way that I am. Most of all, it is teaching me not to take things too seriously all of the time and to just have fun.

Cheers,
Kay

Introvert Alone Time

Introvert Alone Time. That's what I call all of those times when us introverts need some alone time in order to recover from social situations. I touched on this a little bit when I talked about being an introvert in another post but I felt that it was something that I needed to talk about in more detail. Being social can really tire you out when you're an introvert. Actually, just being around people can tire you out! I can handle a social situation or being around people for only so long. After a while, I start to feel overwhelmed and then I need to get away.

That's just how us introverts are and I hope that no one takes it the wrong way. It's not that we don't like you or other people, it's just that our personalities can only handle so much when it comes to being social. After hanging out with a friend (yes, it could be just one friend), I need some alone time to recharge. After spending time with family, I will often go off on my own, usually to my bedroom, to just do something on my own like go on my laptop or read a book. Sometimes I can't wait until I'm done spending time with family and friends to spend time alone and I will spend an extra few minutes in the bathroom during a bathroom break just being, well, alone.

Maybe this sounds strange to some people but ask an introvert and they will most likely tell you that they too need some alone time. Being social and being around people can be really draining. It feels like I get zapped of energy or that I get stressed out from all of the interactions. Being alone gives me time to just breathe and think all by myself. When I'm alone, even in just a bathroom, it feels like I finally have some space. I finally have some room to breathe and relax my mind. I don't have to focus on what other people are saying or on what is happening around me. I don't have to contribute anything to the conversation or activity. I don't have to think about specific things. I don't have to do anything, really.

So what does it feel like after having some introvert alone time? I personally feel recharged. I feel relaxed and refreshed. It's like how you feel after taking a nice shower or waking up from a great sleep. You feel happy and full of energy. It's amazing! I think of my alone time as a form of meditation, in a way. It relaxes me and energizes me, much like deep, slow breathing does during meditation. If I need to go back to a social situation after my alone time, then that's fine because I feel ready to go back. If I don't need to go back to a social situation, then that's even better because it means that I can have a longer session of introvert alone time.

We all need to be alone sometimes. Introverts just need it more than others.

Cheers,
Kay

Cineplex's Lily & the Snowman

The last time I went to the movie theatre with my family, there was a segment during the previews about the making of Cineplex's Lily & the Snowman, an animated short film that can be viewed for free on the Cineplex website. The makers talked about working on various aspects of the short film like the animation, the music, etc. I was instantly intrigued. I also saw an advertisement for the short film in the Cineplex magazine, a free magazine that you can get at Cineplex theatres. The full page advertisement looked like a movie poster with the title at the top, an image for the film in the center, and a sentence at the bottom of the page reading "Don't let the world get in the way of what you love." I loved the simple image and inspiring phrase on this page so I cut the advertisement out of the magazine once I got home. I planned to watch the short film. After all, it was a short film so it wouldn't take very long and it looked interesting.

It actually took me quite a while to finally visit the Lily & the Snowman page on the Cineplex website and finally watch the short film. When I did finally watch it, however, I was touched. It is such a heartwarming film and I almost cried at the end. This charming animated short follows the life of a young girl as she builds a snowman who comes to life and creates shadow puppet shows on the fence in her backyard, very much like little films. The little girl is fascinated and excited by these shows and she enjoys them every winter as she grows up. For her, they are a sense of wonder! Over time, however, life gets in the way and pulls Lily and the snowman apart. This friend and these shows were something that Lily enjoyed and yet she lets herself fall into the habit of following a repetitive road of everyday life. What happens in the end? Well, you'll just have to watch it to find out!

This little film made me think of my own interests and passions. There are so many that I enjoy that have been pushed to the side for far too long. I'd love to start practicing piano and flute again. I'd love to draw and paint more. I'd love to start writing more. The problem with me, however, is that my interests get pushed to the side because I have trouble concentrating and I'm beginning to think more and more that my having trouble concentrating is actually more of a problem than I previously thought. I might start working on something only to put it aside for a while or sometimes a very long time because I just can't concentrate on it for very long. Sometimes I have trouble even getting started on it. I even have trouble writing blog posts sometimes because of all of this. That's one of the differences between Lily and I. Her life is what gets in the way of what she loves whereas for me it's the fact that I have trouble concentrating that gets in the way. I can still take away the lesson from the film to help me in my own life, though. I'm determined to try harder to concentrate on my interests and to find ways to help me concentrate. I'm determined not to let my concentration problem get in the way of what I love.

I ended up watching this short film several times which was easy to do since it is only a little over two minutes long. I also watched the video about the making of Lily & the Snowman which I had seen before and can also be found on the same page. The song "Follow You Follow Me" by VAPOR feat. Adaline (originally by Genesis) is lovely and definitely works well in the film which has no dialogue. The music adds to the emotion needed for the film as well as spreading the message. And the message is a good one!

Cheers,
Kay