An Improvement Over The Present

We often find ourselves thinking about the past, of those beautiful memories that we have stored away or of times before our own that seemed so much better than certain moments of this life that we are living now. Other times, we find ourselves thinking about the future, about what we're going to do tomorrow or in a few days or months or years, of how much better it will be. We think of these times rather than the present, the moment that we are living right now. These days, months, years that will pass by which we will someday wish would return.

One of my favourite poems, "Nostalgia" by Billy Collins, deals with these ideas. He asks us to think of various eras and of all of the wonderful things during those times. He speaks of these eras as though he has lived through them. He goes on like this until he gets closer to the end of the poem and moves onto remembering his own past. He says "or at least let me/ recapture the serenity of last month when we picked/ berries and glided through afternoons in a canoe" and he also states that "Even this morning would be an improvement over the present." At the end of the poem, he describes how he was thinking about the past and how he was even thinking about the future as well. This poem is about how we reminisce about the past and we imagine the future instead of being here and now in the present moment.

I often find myself reminiscing about the past or dwelling on bad experiences from the past. I even think about what it was like during the different eras before I was even born. I also find myself planning for the future and imagining what it might be like. Both things are nice and we should remember the past since we can learn from it as well as plan for the future because planning is important but we must remember that we are living right now so we should enjoy it. Each moment that we live slips away so quickly and before you know it, several days, months, years, or decades have passed and you wonder where the time went. For me, high school and my university undergrad went by so quickly. I still can't believe that I finished high school four years ago. It doesn't feel like it has been that long. I also can't believe that I have my Bachelor of Arts degree. I still remember when I was in my first year of university and I knew a young woman in her third year and I felt so young compared to her. Now I'm done university and I feel so much older than all of those kids who are currently working on their undergrad (the ones who are actually younger than me, of course, I realize that someone older than me could be working on their undergrad right now).

It can be difficult to stay in the present if you're like me and your mind is like a person rushing through a library grabbing book after book off of the shelves. My thoughts often jump from one thing to the next, so much that I need to remind myself to write down good ideas that I come up with before I forget them. My imagination can be pretty crazy too although I am definitely grateful for having a wild imagination. I try to just look around me sometimes, noticing what is happening around me right now. I try to meditate as well, focusing on my breath and not dwelling on thoughts, however, that is proving to be more and more difficult. I guess I just have some improving to do.

Cheers,
Kay

The Road Not Taken

Lately, I've been thinking about all of the things that I want to do. Things that I want to do now. Things that I want to do in the future. What I want to do with my life. That actually brings up something that I've been working on: figuring out what I want to do with my life. What direction do I want to go in? Which path, or road, do I want to take? Maybe I should just pave my own road?

This always makes me think of "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost, a poem that most people know. The last few lines of the poem are surely the most well known: "Two roads diverged in a wood and I,-/ I took the one less traveled by,/ And that has made all the difference." As a person, I am very... different. I was going to say weird but I'll just go with "different." I have known for a long time that I am going to travel down a different road from other people. I want to take the road less traveled. I'm fine with doing that. I'm not afraid. I just don't know what kind of road it is. I'm still figuring it out. I'm still figuring out my life. And that's okay. I'm young. I have my whole life ahead of me. I still have so much time. I still have so many options to explore. Sometimes it feels like there is so much pressure to figure out our whole lives when we are young but that's just way too difficult. We need more time. We need more experiences. We need to explore more of life.

I create my life. People can influence it, but I ultimately create it. I choose what I want my life to be. I can choose to decide now or I can choose to take my time. Some people decide quickly and others take more time. And that's okay. Some people know deep down what they want to do with their lives and others need to explore. I have so many things that I love to do and I'm trying to explore them and figure out how to fit all of them in my life. Which things will I turn into my career? Which things will I turn into my passions? Which things will I turn into my hobbies for when I just want to relax a bit?

Whatever I choose, I can indeed choose to travel down the road less traveled. I can even pave that road, therefore making myself the first person to travel down that road. I can create that road and see where it leads me. Maybe others will be willing to come along with me or at least encourage me along the way. Some people may wonder where I'm going or some may see exactly where I'm headed, because they too know what it's like to travel down these kinds of roads. No matter what, I don't think that anything is set in stone. Roads can change. But I shouldn't worry about that yet. I still have to figure out in which direction I'm going so that I can find my road, or find out where I'm going to build it.

Cheers,
Kay

I Shall Have Some Peace There

My family owns a camp, a little cabin in the bush (woods) with a small wood-stove. It is like a second home. When we started using it again regularly this year, two years had passed since we had last visited it. I checked my journal and found out that the last time that we were there was September 22nd, 2013 and we had arrived on September 21st and stayed there overnight. The day that we finally visited again was September 21st, 2015, the day which, two years ago, had been the last night that we would spend there for a while. Of course, some of our relatives who also partly own the camp may have visited it during that time, but it didn't look like it had been used very much.

We have been trying to use it more now. It feels good to go back there, where it is quiet and relaxing. Where we are surrounded by nature. Where there are less distractions. Where we are away from society, away from civilization. I could go on and on but the point is, it's peaceful there. When I am there, I am surrounded by nature and I am also surrounded by my family since we go there together.

I also find that it is easier for me to concentrate on various activities like reading books and working on various projects. I like writing there and working on crafts like my loom knitting. There are so many distractions at my family's house and there are just so many things to be done there. At our camp, however, life is simple. There aren't a million things to do, only a few. That leaves time for working on other things. The quiet of the bush and the warmth of the wood-stove provide a great atmosphere. We sit quietly and read or work on whatever we like. In the mornings, we meditate, and on Saturday evening, we listen to Randy Bachman's Vinyl Tap on CBC Radio, a radio show where Randy Bachman shares songs that fall under a theme (a different theme is chosen for each show) and shares stories from his experience as a musician and his experiences meeting various other musicians.

Of course, many experiences of mine remind me of songs or literature and my experiences of staying at my camp are no different. In William Butler Yeats' poem, "The Lake Isle Of Innisfree," he talks about going to Innisfree and he describes Innisfree and describes what he will do there. At one point in the poem, he says, "I shall have some peace there." For Yeats, Innisfree is where he finds peace. For me, my family's camp is where I find peace.

Cheers,
Kay

The Vile Snake Will Always Sting You

Do you ever have those moments where you're so frustrated or angry that you don't feel like laughing or smiling? Or maybe you feel that it isn't right for you to laugh or smile because you're so frustrated or angry? I get like that sometimes. Something frustrates me or someone makes me angry and it doesn't matter what someone does to try and cheer me up. It doesn't matter what funny things I see or what things I do that normally make me happy. I feel like I just have to be alone because being around people will just irritate me even more.

I wrote this as I was going through one of those times. Writing this actually helped me cool down and clear my mind. Writing this was my alone time. My family (parents, brother, and pet) were either in the living room eating supper and watching shows on Netflix or doing things together around the house. I decided to eat something later and instead lock myself in my bedroom and have some alone time, writing this post and researching blog-related subjects. I realized why parents send their kids to their bedroom when their kids have temper tantrums. Being alone has a soothing affect on the body and mind.

While writing this post, I thought, "Could there be a poem somewhere that I could relate to right now?" I often go searching through literature in order to find helpful and healing words. Of course, I was able to find a poem about anger. Charles Lamb's poem "Anger" had the perfect thoughts on anger. The poem starts off "Anger in its time and place/ May assume a kind of grace./ It must have some reason in it,/ And not last beyond a minute./ If to further lengths it go,/ It does into malice grow." Lamb is basically saying that it is okay to be angry as long as there is reason behind it and as long as it doesn't last. In other words, don't dwell on anger and let it consume you. He goes on to compare anger to a bee and a snake. A single bee will sting you once but never again after that (because it loses its stinger). This comparison is the anger that has a reason and doesn't last long. A snake, however, can bite you again and again and each time will hurt, as Lamb describes in the last line: "The vile snake will always sting you." This comparison is the anger that lasts too long, it continues to hurt you.

We must control our anger and not let it control us because the anger will just hurt us. Anger, used at the right time and for the right reason, can sometimes be beneficial. It is important to remember these things and to realize when we are letting anger control us.

Here's to learning when to stop for a moment and reflect on our feelings!

Cheers,
Kay

The Caged Bird Sings of Freedom

Hello Friends,

This is another serious post. It might trigger some emotions for those of you who have been through similar experiences. It may be difficult but I am living proof that, when it comes to things like this, it can all change and get better!

In high school, I became germophobic pretty bad. Really bad. I couldn't touch the floor or someone else's hands without having to wash my hands immediately afterwards. If I couldn't wash my hands, then I'd worry and the whole situation would just bug me and bug me until I could finally wash my hands. During that time that I couldn't wash my hands, I wouldn't touch my face and I'd be super careful when eating food. Washing my hands brought me relief from, well, my mind. I describe it as being at war with your own mind. It felt like my mind was controlling me in this irrational fear. I mean, touching the floor or someone else's hands usually doesn't cause any problems, unless someone has some kind of virus. There were other things that I would touch too that made me need to wash my hands. I would wash my hands so many times every day after touching these things. If I had to hand something to someone or if they were handing something to me, then I'd try very carefully not to touch their hands. It was awful, especially at check-outs in stores.

I never went to a doctor for help, although I should have. Someone in my family told me to "just get over it" which, for anyone who has gone through something like this knows, is not that easy. I became embarrassed about the way that I was and so I was scared to talk to a doctor about it. There was something wrong with me but I didn't accept that. It wasn't until a few years later that I realized and accepted that what I had sounded exactly like OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). Irrational fear+relief ritual+worries if relief ritual is not performed. Yes, it does indeed sound like OCD. Now, I was never diagnosed with anything because I never went to a doctor about it so I cannot say for sure that it was OCD but when talking about it with people, I tell them that it was basically OCD. I'm also not afraid to talk about it anymore.

Over the years, I got better. I guess I must have just exposed myself to touching certain things and convincing myself not to worry. I'm not exactly sure how I really got over it, but I never really entirely got over it. There are still times when I touch certain things and need to wash my hands immediately and then other times I touch something and want to wash my hands but I don't feel as though I need to do it right away. With touching other things, like the floor and other's people's hands, I am now fine. It feels like the war with my mind is near its end, at least in my experience with OCD. There are other challenges that I deal with like stress, concentration, etc. but those are all other stories. I'm happy that I have been able to get through at least one of my challenges.

OCD actually makes me think of Maya Angelou's poem, "Caged Bird". This poem is actually about the oppression of people but couldn't OCD be considered a form of oppression, in a way? In OCD, your mind holds you back and interferes with your life. The OCD controls you. In her poem, Angelou speaks about how the bird was once free but is now caged and longs for that freedom once again. For me, my OCD all of a sudden started in high school and I longed to just be able to go through my life like I did before, without worrying and constantly washing my hands, but I was held back by my fear. I think that Angelou sums up any kind of oppression really well in the last lines of her poem: "The caged bird sings/ with a fearful trill/ of things unknown/ but longed for still/ and his tune is heard/ on the distant hill/ for the caged bird/ sings of freedom."

It isn't easy to find freedom from mental illness, but we can get through it with help and with courage.

Love always,
Kay

My 101 Things in 1001 Days List

One great motivational technique is a list of goals! Writing your goals down a great step to start with before you actually begin your goals. I think of it as a way of convincing myself that I actually really want to a certain goal. I have so many goals that I want to complete that I decided to make a 101 Things in 1001 Days list. 101 Things in 1001 Days is an idea by the Day Zero Project. Basically, you make a list of 101 goals that you want to complete within 1001 days (that's approximately 2.7 years). 

For my list, I divided my goals up into categories. The categories are: Health & Wellness, Fitness, Nature/Environment, Reading, Writing, Blogging/Online Work, Music, Art, Family, and Miscellaneous. The Miscellaneous category is for goals that just didn't really fit into any of the other categories. Lots of people divide their goals up into categories when they post about their lists on their blogs and you'll see that they may have chosen different categories. I chose the categories that were important to me so if you want to put your goals into categories too, choose ones that are important to you! When I made the list in my Day Zero account, I couldn't divide my goals up into the categories so I just put my goals for each category together. In this post, you'll see that my goals are divided up into the categories and if you check my actual list on the website, you'll see that my goals appear in the same order as you see them here.

Check out my list and follow me on the Day Zero website to track my progress! I'll also be doing monthly updates of my progress here on my blog! You will be able to find all of my progress updates through the 101 in 1001 tag!

Health & Wellness

• Meditate everyday for a month and continue
• Write in a gratitude diary once a week for a month and continue
• Don't say anything negative for one day
• Overcome my phobias
• Try Tai Chi
• Grow my nails again
• Improve my posture
• Drink more water everyday
• Floss everyday for a month and continue
• Put my Crohn's Disease into remission
• Figure out a healthy eating plan that helps my Crohn's Disease
• Learn how to make 10 healthy recipes
• Eat healthier snacks
• Limit salt and sugar intake
• Limit processed foods
• Have a vegetarian day once a week for a month and continue

Fitness

• Create a morning stretch/workout routine
• Do yoga everyday for a month and continue
• Walk my dog everyday for a month and continue
• Jog everyday for a month and continue
• Do the 200 squats challenge
• Do the 100 push-ups challenge
• Do the 200 lunges challenge
• Do the 200 crunches challenge
• Start lifting weights
• Be able to do the splits
• Be able to do a headstand for one minute
• Learn more Charleston moves

Nature/Environment

• Watch the sunrise and sunset on the same day
• Watch the sunrise on the Winter and Summer solstices and the Fall and Spring equinoxes
• Do a nature walk once a week for 2 months
• Plant a huge garden and use the vegetables in all sorts of ways
• Go foraging for plants, berries, etc. that I can use
• Learn more outdoor survival skills
• Learn how to use a compass
• Climb Ishpatina Ridge in Ontario, Canada
• Go for a long snowshoeing hike
• Go on a hike with my city's hike club
• Go geocaching for an entire day once a month
• Get up to 1000 geocache finds
• Build an inukshuk on the side of the road
• See the Northern Lights
• Go for a picnic in a park
• Take a nap in a hammock
• Climb a tree
• Learn to identify 10 constellations
• Use less water
• Use less electricity
• Recycle everything that can possibly be recycled
• Start composting
• Go for a day without technology

Reading

• Read 100 books
• Read 100 poems
• Memorize 10 poems
• Read 10 French novels
• Read 5 non-fiction books
• Read all of Shakespeare's plays
• Read all of the Sherlock Holmes books
• Read in a park

Writing

• Write a novel
• Write a children's book
• Write a book of poetry
• Write a book of short stories
• Get my writing published
• Get a story published in a Chicken Soup for the Soul book
• Win NaNoWriMo
• Win Camp NaNoWriMo
• Write in my diary at least once a week
• Use a writing prompt that I have found or created each week
• Write a letter to myself to be opened when the 1001 days are over
• Answer the "50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind"
• Update my resume
• Learn how to write with my left hand

Blogging/Online Work

• Make a plan and schedule for regular blogging
• Update my blog's About and FAQ pages
• Put a donation button on my blog when I start blogging more and get more visitors
• Start a CafePress shop

Music

• Practice piano for 20 minutes everyday Monday to Friday for a month and continue
• Practice flute once a week for a month and continue
• Get my grade 8 RCM piano certificate and grade 2 RCM theory certificate
• Learn to play the accordion
• Learn to play the violin
• Write a song (lyrics and music)

Art

• Start sketching regularly
• Learn how to paint flowers well with watercolours
• Complete a colouring book

Family

• Have a board game night with my family
• Have a movie marathon night with my family
• Have a craft/art night with my family
• Bake Finn bun with my family
• Cook an entire meal for my family

Miscellaneous

• Start and complete driver's ed
• Get my G2 driver's license
• Use the French language more in my life
• Learn Spanish
• Expand my vocabulary by 100 words
• Learn how to crochet
• Learn how to use a sewing machine
• Learn how to use a memory palace
• Say "yes" to something I would not normally do
• Start wearing a watch everyday

You should definitely start a 101 Things in 1001 Days list too! What would you put on your list?

-Kaylie

The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe

Happy Halloween! What better way to celebrate Halloween than to read Edgar Allen Poe's famous poem, The Raven! The Raven is a very eerie and suspenseful poem that was published in 1845. The speaker in the poem is remembering his lost love, Lenore, and he hears tapping coming from outside. Once he opens the window, a raven flies in, constantly replying "Nevermore" whenever the speaker speaks to it. This drives the speaker crazy. I definitely recommend reading the poem or listening to a recitation of the poem (go to the end of this post for a video of Vincent Price reciting "The Raven"). If you read it, you should read it aloud and put a lot of expression in your voice. So much fun!

I really like "The Raven" because of how simple the story is! The only characters that are present in the story are the speaker and the raven and Lenore is mentioned. The whole story is about the speaker going crazy thinking about Lenore and hearing the raven saying only one word, "Nevermore." It isn't scary because of monsters but instead because of the descriptions. You don't know what is going to happen next and you can picture the whole story and the setting in your mind. The repetitions really add to the suspension! The poem also just has a general eeriness to it in the way that it is presented.

Want to hear a recitation of "The Raven"? The best person for the job is Vincent Price! Such an amazing performance! Watch it here:

I hope you all have a spooky Halloween!

-Kaylie