It's been a while, hasn't it? I apologize for the blog silence; I take full responsibility for it. When I started this blog, I thought that it would be fun. I thought that I would publish posts a few times every week and that my blog would grow into something wonderful. Instead, I posted a few times a week and then posted only once a while until I was hardly posting at all. I have thought about what happened, what prevented me from continuing my blog as I had planned, and I realized a few things, one of which is that the concept of writing and maintaining a blog scares me. I don't have a lot of experience with web design or writing for a public audience so, I'm scared to try and learn about web design and I'm also scared to publish posts until I know that everything is absolutely perfect.
That's a big thing that has been stopping me from doing what I want: perfectionism. When I was little, I was a bit of a perfectionist and, although I have learned not to be so hard on myself about things, the perfectionist in me still comes out once in a while and scares me out of doing things that I want to do. I've learned over the years that our minds can be our greatest enemies. It's like the lyrics in Eurovision 2015 winner Måns Zelmerlöw's song "Heroes": "We are the heroes of our time/ But we're dancing with the demons in our minds." Sure, you could interpret "dancing with the demons in our minds" as going along with evil ideas or doing bad things, but I interpret it differently. We go along with what our minds tell us instead of choosing what we want. It's like the angel and the devil on your shoulders, one telling you to do good things and the other telling you to do bad things except in this case the demons in our minds are preventing us from doing what we want to do with our lives. They are putting us down, telling us that we are not good enough. They stop us from moving forward.
Moving forward is a big thing for me. It would be a huge accomplishment! I have never been diagnosed with anything, but I have been dealing with a lot of things going on inside my mind for quite a few years now, starting in high school. I've talked to friends and family about what I go through and I also just deal with it on my own. Maybe I should talk to a doctor about it but for now I just try and learn how to get through it on my own. I want to move on. I want my mind to be my friend, not my enemy. I want to stop dancing with the demons in my mind and start dancing along in life, doing all of the things that I want to do, all of the things that I want to accomplish.
This blog is one of the things that I want in my life. I want to write. I want to share my stories, my experiences. I want to share happy things. I want to share fun things. I want to show everyone all of the great things that we have in our lives but I also want to show people that they are not alone if they are going through a tough time. Maybe this blog will help me deal with the challenges that I face. I have already been writing things down, trying to figure out what to do and how to deal with everything that is going on, and it definitely helps. Transferring thoughts to paper instead of letting them continue to swirl around and wreak havoc in my mind helps a lot. Maybe putting them here on this blog will help too.
Thanks for listening!