Some Dance To Remember, Some Dance To Forget

There are certain lyrics from the song "Hotel California" by the Eagles that really resonate with me; "some dance to remember, some dance to forget." Whenever I hear those lyrics, I relate in so many ways. You see, I bottle things up inside of me. I bottle them up and, most often, don't release any of those emotions, whether they be worries, fear, anger, sadness, or the feeling of being overwhelmed that I know oh so well. I get overwhelmed easily, so when I bottle up my feelings and they swirl around in my mind and they don't leave me alone, I feel like I just want to scream, and sometimes I do. When I bottle things up, I hold onto them and I don't let them go.

Now, some people want to remember the past and others want to forget it, just as it says in those lyrics. But the thing is, we cannot and should not follow only one of those choices. There are parts of the past that we should remember. We should obviously remember the good times but we should also remember certain bad times; the ones that we can learn from. I believe that this is one of the most important reasons that history should always be taught in school; we learn from our ancestors. We learn from their accomplishments and their mistakes and we should do the same when looking at our own pasts. Of course, there are certain memories that we need to simply accept and let go of. Forget about them and move on. Take the lessons away from them and leave the rest in the past. This is what I need to do with all of those feelings and bad experiences that I bottle up inside of me; I need to accept that these things happened, learn from them, and then release them from their prison that is my mind. I need to let them go.

It sometimes feels like I'm at war with my own mind, like my mind is partly disconnected from me, but connected just enough so that when I am fighting with it, I still feel like I am fighting myself. This is what it felt like when I was germophobic at an obsessive compulsive level for a few years starting in high school. It really feels like you have no control over your own mind. When it comes to the feelings that I bottle up, it feels like my mind is incapable of letting them go. I even tend to act out how I would react to something that hasn't even happened. These things usually have something to do with events or people that have angered me in some way. Instead of learning from the experience and letting it go, I hold onto them so much that I waste time thinking that those events might repeat themselves or that that person might show up again and that I have to be ready. I become defensive, even though nothing has happened yet and even though I don't even know what is going to happen. What I need to do is stop worrying about it and move on because it is holding me back.

When I dance, I want to remember, accept, learn, and move on. That's a lot of things to do while dancing, but it's worth it if it helps to let go of bottled up emotions. Either I can do that, or I can just enjoy the dance and not really think about anything except for the music and my feet.

Cheers,
Kay