That's another thing that I deal with. I always feel like people are judging me when I tell them about what I am currently doing or what I want to do. I feel like, to them, it isn't enough. I feel like they're judging me for not having it all figured out and for not being at the same stage that other people are at right now. I hate it when people ask me what I'm doing now that I've graduated from university or what I'm going to do. It is the question that I always dread. I know it's such an innocent question and it's a great conversation starter but I'm at the point where I don't want to answer that question. I know that people aren't actually judging me, or at least not everyone is judging me (yes, some people may still be judging me because that's just the way that some people are), but it still feels like they are. I hate not living up to the expectations that people have for people my age. I'm in my early twenties. I'm an adult. I should have this stuff figured out.
But I'm a creative person and I'm a dreamer. It seems like a lot of people around me are just going to work and living pretty similar lives to each other but I'm different. I want my life to be an adventure. I want it to be full of magic. I want to truly love my life and be passionate about what I do. I don't want to pick something just because it's considered to be a "real" job or because it's a "safe" job. I want to pick something that I look forward to doing every day. I want to love my life. I don't want to be one of those people who can't wait until they retire. I want to be one of those people who love what they do so much that they never really retire.
It isn't easy to choose to follow this path though because it isn't always easy to plan it out. It's much easier to make a plan for following the "usual" career or life path; the path that people expect from you. I already know that many parts of my life are going to be different from what society expects, without even thinking about my career, but it's the career part that's harder to accept. I am perfectly fine with the other parts of my life being different but it's hard to be okay with choosing to go down a more interesting career path when it's engraved in our brain that we need to do things a certain way when it comes to getting a suitable job. I need to be more flexible. I need to stop putting the pressure on myself that I think I feel from other people. I need to just relax and let myself explore. Yes, of course I'm going to do planning. I'm a planner. I can't just "wing it." That's not who I am. But I need to accept that the planning is going to be a bit different for my life.
I was choosing songs for my Spring playlist when I decided to look at John Denver's music and see if there was a song there that would fit into my playlist since I love his music. His lyrics are true poetry and I not only found a song to add to my playlist, but the lyrics to this particular song are words that I really need in this time of struggling with the fact that I don't know what to do with my life. His song, "Sweet Surrender", puts all of my thoughts into words. The words that I really connect to are "Lost and alone on some forgotten highway, traveled by many, remembered by few./ Looking for something that I can believe in,/ Looking for something that I'd like to do with my life." I have felt so lost because I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know what to concentrate on or what direction to go in. I'm still figuring out who I am as a person but I definitely know that I am different from other people and I don't care about following the same paths that they take. I am quite comfortable following my own path but I haven't exactly figured out what that path is yet. The words that I am learning from are "Tomorrow is open and right now it seems to be more than enough/ To just be here today" since they are words that I really need to remember. I need to accept the fact that I don't have to have everything figured out, even if it feels like I do. There are plenty of people of all ages who will say that they still don't have their whole life figured out. And it's okay. Life is a crazy thing. Nobody can say that they have it figured out. Nobody can say that they know the right way to live it. And certainly, nobody can tell you how to live your own life.